(Title of this post comes from ‘This Love’ by The Veronicas)
One Tree Hill – Season 5, Episode 18
Let’s put it this way: growing up, I never thought I was anything spectacular. I was the girl who was friends with the boys, including the roughest and toughest. I swore at anything remotely displeasing, yelled at those annoying ones, spoke in Cantonese even though there was a strict rule that we weren’t to, and I was one of those wearing a prefect’s tie. There wasn’t really anything particularly girly about me. I wasn’t a cheerleader, I was an alto in the choir (and quit when my parents didn’t allow me to travel to performances), I never wore anything revealing (also due to my parents), my hair wasn’t straightened, not was it shiny, and I had never been into The Body Shop. Sometimes I was the best friend whom you had to impress to get THE girl. Or I’d be the last resort, the girl whom you’d finally notice after years of infatuation with Miss Perfect, and think, ‘hey, I’ll just settle for her! She’s a girl! Kind of?’
When boys did notice me, I wouldn’t get it. What the hell did they see in me anyway? I felt like retorting, I’m not a pimp! If you wanna talk to HER, talk to HER, not to me about HER. What do I look like, a messenger? Jeez. Or the time this one boy used the same line on my TWO best friends before pulling it on me over the phone. ‘Do you see us being together sometime?’ I recognised it instantly. Did this guy lack originality or did he think I was their replacement? I was very tempted to hang up, but I immediately replied, ‘No, I see you with her.’ Her referring to one of my best friends. The feeling of being third in line was… well, not nice. Then another boy I grew to like got together with one of my best friends, who proceeded to stop being friends with me. I didn’t understand; I would never have given up our friendship over a boy. But she did exactly that. And it hurt. Then my closest friends changed and we no longer had reason to stay as close as we did. So maybe I didn’t leave Malaysia with too heavy a heart after all.
When I started school in Australia, things began to change. No, I didn’t become Miss Popular or Miss Pretty. I still liked the wrong boys, the ones who had a reputation, that I probably knew deep down inside weren’t right, or couldn’t and wouldn’t feel the same way about me. But other boys fell for me as well. It was surprising to me that this time, it had nothing to do with them wanting another girl. But I also realised that I couldn’t return their affection, the same way the wrong boys I liked couldn’t. And it was a bad cycle to be stuck in. Just because of this, I lost some friendships and felt that it was so unfair. Why couldn’t friendship exist separately? Why did people have to lump this together and use this as an excuse to rid themselves of a baseless insecurity? I never lied and certainly never tried to lead anyone on. But there I was at the end of the year, having lost two friends I thought would be amongst my closest, with one of them clearly trying to get rid of me in her life as I was ‘competition’, the other drunkenly calling me a bitch, all because his affection had been one-way.
When uni began, it only took me three weeks to jump into a relationship, and another four weeks for me to jump out of it, leaving him behind with a somewhat broken heart. But I learned; I can’t make myself be with someone whom I don’t have feelings for; this lesson proved to be important a year later. There was this obvious imbalance in feelings that I couldn’t ignore and I didn’t feel that it was fair to continue, as if in indirect persuasion that one day, this balance could actually exist. Fast-forward months later and it was me with the broken heart and tears no one could seem to stop. Boys who cheat never do anything for your self-esteem besides reinforce the belief that maybe you’re just not ever gonna be right for anyone. And I tried to fix it with flings that never went past being flings, and another failed relationship flew past.
Onto today, and I suddenly remember how one person can create such a huge difference in my life. This afternoon, we had another one of those deep and meaningful conversations that we seem to have the wrong timing for every single time. Yes, I grew up like this, so maybe this is why I still am lost as to why you’re dating me. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and can’t believe my luck, that I have you in my life, what more as someone who loves me. And then I go to sleep at night, knowing that I’ll love you even more when tomorrow comes. It begins with you, it ends with you, it’s almost always about you. For every single time that I actually consciously realise that I miss you like crazy, there goes another five that echo in the messed-up, winding passages of my mind. That I can’t wait to see you. And hold your hand. And kiss you again.
I miss your 27th floor balcony that we danced on at 5 am.
We’re different, you said. There’s no denying that. We may be complete pole opposites with our differing beliefs and values, but you have been so good to me with your patience, understanding and respect that certainly has not existed in every second guy I have met. That’s also why I don’t get why you put up with me. Even if I love you for merely the way you treat me, there’s nothing wrong with that. Any girl would be so lucky to have that. But there’s so much more about you that goes beyond your concern for me. You do the smallest things that amaze me, say the most loving things that I cannot get over. When you said ‘I’m so proud of you’, for a second, I forgot why you even said it. All I knew was that I want this in my life, I want you throughout my days and nights, and I’m gonna do all I can to keep you. So you’d better be making a bigger effort to stay, DB. I don’t bloody care what statistics say about female and male mortality rates!
It’s easy, sweetie… Just give me all the desserts!
Perhaps like any other girl, I had expectations of the men I’d date. Mine were probably of dating the average med student with a similar background to my own. But by no means does it mean that you’re a disappointment. I’m so sorry if it came across that way. My expectations…. were nowhere even close to being special, only fuelled by my average expectations that surfaced after being passed around like a parcel, cheated on, and having had no real experience with love. But you… you’re special. You’re more than a girl could expect. I love you, and that makes all the difference in the world. I don’t believe that love is overrated; nor do I think it’s easy to find someone to love who will love you back, and I have been so very lucky to have met you that night, to have had your love and affection.
Things that he has given me that I wake up next to in his absence.
It doesn’t take similarities between two people for that to happen, nor does it take someone meeting your every expectation of what love should be. That’s why it doesn’t matter that you’re not what I expected out of love, and hopefully, it bears no weight that I’m not the sort of girl that you might have thought I was. What the others say doesn’t bother me as well because I’m not dating them and they don’t know how you make me feel. So I don’t expect them to understand. As long as I do, for as long as I love you.
“If I said the wrong thing, or something upsetting, I am so very sorry, darling. Please remember that you are so very important to me and I love you. I don’t care about the expectations. Dating you is not a mistake, loving you isn’t either. I don’t think about the way we’ll end, cause when I think about the future, it’s always, ALWAYS about how we’ll continue together. And I’m not even the (glass) half-full type! I love you, DB.”
The present for him that made my fingers all red and sore.
