This is a rant that doesn’t make any sense.

What do people do when they’re supposed to leave someone alone? Do they sit on their fucking hands? Or do they go a bit crazy like me, typing up notes when nothing’s going into the brain, just to make sure they have something to do? Like makeshift enterfuckingtainment (I believe that is a very suspicious word..)? I don’t know why I’m reading all this stuff about equity theories. What the fuck does it have to do with the issue at hand? I just feel like I need to do something, occupy my hands. I had something like 3 coffees this morning. Oh look, how many times have I typed the word ‘hand’? THREE. Hands. FOUR. Okay, stop. I’m going a bit crazy just trying to stop myself from picking up the phone and dialling his number and demanding to know if he’s okay. I’m well aware I’ve typed ‘a bit crazy’ twice now. Is this neuroticism? No, wait, wrong word. Neuroticism is the enduring tendency to experience emotional states, says Wikipedia. Oh, that’s me. I’ve added a new word to the list of adjectives that describe me. Neurotic. Neufuckingrotic. I’m sorry. I’m in the mood to swear. You would be too.

Please tell me it’s okay. That everything’s okay. Where the fuck is a bloody tranquillizer when you need one? Someone shoot me with a tranquillizer gun. Not a real one. I still need to wake up and find out that he’s okay. It’s okay if I’m not. Really. Who is okay when they have three fricken exams? No, it’s not a lot. I just need to explain the context here that applies to me. But I’m not done. No, I’m not. I could go on forever. Is it a crime to be having an imaginary conversation with my blog? Isn’t that my right as the author? Do you notice that I called myself an author? It’s LOL-worthy. The juxtaposition of it. I want to be an author. What am I doing in university with a non-related degree? Actually, I still want to study psychology. I’m just worried that I’ll go a little bit insane, more insane than I already am. I think my patience is wearing thin. What’s wrong with me and boys? Why do I never get them? Why did I open my big mouth yesterday? Idiotic, idiotic. I need to keep typing.

I’m not tired of the ribbons. I want one kiss here on my neck, this specific spot. I think it’ll go away after I get that kiss. But it has to be from him. Nobody else. Where, where.. where is he? I want to go to him. I really do. But I can’t. Where’s this impulsivity coming from? Maybe you do have that tendency to make people feel unreasonable but can I be unreasonable now? I want to be unreasonable. I want to leave this all, imagine all the happily-ever-afters because I think I want a butterfly to appear at my window. Wow, that didn’t make any sense at all. I think my fingers just keep going, typing whatever appears in my head. I AM SO SO SORRY. Where does that fit in? Right here. Feel my heart. It’s telling the truth like the truth is all it can tell. To an extent, that is true. I never feel as though I can lie right. When they told him the pau was delicious, I snorted in laughter. Celery-filled pau. Omgod. How could I not have laughed? But it was the truth that it was quite bad, as paus come (and go). I miss corn custard paus. Aren’t they the most delicious thing ever? Can I have tang yuen in your place again, sitting in your lap at your balcony? Maybe this time, I won’t cry?

I am so sorry. I am so very sorry. I love you. I love you. I’m sorry. I love you. Oh what am I doing.. I think I quite hate being in love, it doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m so lost. When have I ever felt this way about a person? Oh right, never. So I can’t compare. But I love this boy and he’s all quiet and I can’t even call him or send another sms without wanting to hide in my closet after. Oh, the closet’s full. FUCK. Can I sit on my ledge again? What if I drop this laptop? But I want to sit there and type and not slouch in this painful chair? This chair sucks. I sound like a five year old who has just discovered WWE and this chair sucks. Oh wait, it was WWF when I was still watching it. Wasn’t it better then when it didn’t seem fake? WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT WRESTLING..

Peppermint tea. I am going downstairs to make myself a peppermint tea, and maybe I’ll keep typing till the caffeine runs out and I’m back to normal again. Haha, I said normal. Was I ever normal? I’m sorry, I love you. I love you and I’m sorry. I’M SO SORRY.

Lovefool.

(11 hours ago, I wrote and didn’t publish this)

I’m seeking words again to clarify that I can indeed think straight, once I put it all down in a somewhat physical manner, lay out the inner contents of my brain, my heart, and the random thoughts that hit me when I least expect it. Maybe they don’t make sense, but this is purely selfish.

I’m gonna say it and wish that I don’t sound like the most stupid person alive: I wished forever. Okay? That’s why I meant it when I said it to him. Maybe it’s because it is so far away that we feel reassured that even if we’re saying the wrong thing, we don’t really mean to, but I meant it. Down to the last day, minute, second…

I can’t stand knowing that I said something so hurtful, or that I’m stupid enough to let it slip past my lips without realising how painful it’d be for you to hear it. I’m so sorry. I’m so very sorry. I’m sorry that I even said anything to start with because if I had known that it would lead here… For all those times that I’ve been annoyed at people’s lack of tact, I feel like a hypocrite now. I’M SO SO SORRY..

I love you. And it’s scary, but I love you. And I don’t care how it scares me, I just love you. I love just you.

I hate that I don’t have it in me to carry through. I will fall if I take this giant leap. It’s not you, it’s me.

I entertain stupid romantic notions and I hate Disney. But I’m filled with this belief that it’s you. I want you to be the one. Fuck. I also sound like a Hallmark card. But I mean it.

I’m not okay knowing that it’s not okay with you. That’s what’s battling me inside. It’s this mad war within myself to stop you from sinking in further than you should, and being selfish. I want you – why should it be any other way? Cause when you love someone, you give them what they want, even if it means letting them go. I don’t want to listen to love because of love, I just want you to keep staying with me..

This will sound incredulous, but it’s not just hard for you. It’s difficult for me to know that I have to stop. Before I hurt you, and make myself sound like the village idiot who has the map but refuses to hand it over.

All those times when I said I don’t picture an end? Yeah. I still don’t want to.

I love you.

Oh God. I am such an idiot sometimes. What is wrong with me?

(Now)

I haven’t made any clarifications to the above because of course, I still feel like an idiot. Yes, I’m the poster girl for stupidity in love and relationships. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know why, but I just know it’s not today. It can’t be today. Something foul always has to unfold itself before I’m due for another thing that wants to run away whatever spirit I have left. I’m sorry. Has that word gone stale on me? No, please don’t. I mean it, with all sincerity. I’M SORRY…

I hate putting dots on the ends of my sentences because it tends to drag on the emotion but I need those dots now, I love those dots now. I’m hoping they send across my message more. It seems like I keep adding it onto the sentences that make up my apology smses that have gone unreplied. And I don’t blame you. But I need you to know how fricking sorry I am. I feel so rotten right now. I wish I could close my eyes and wake up next to your bed, nestled between the massive pillows lying on the floor that I made you buy. Or in your closet. Whichever. Just so I could tell you how sorry I am.

I resisted calling you at 12 because of the space issue, I didn’t want to call you at 7:30 am because that’s just rude. And now is not even an okay hour with your body clock that’s out of sync with mine. But I’m growing more and more disjointed, knowing that there’s so many things that I can’t and don’t wanna be without. Like you.

Again… I’m such an idiot sometimes…

I’M SORRY…

Please let me take it all back..