Pondering

I think you should already know by now that I’m quite incapable of separating myself from your joys, aches, issues and… perhaps it’s just about anything and everything about you that I am aware of and open to; I can’t feign ignorance when it comes to my knowledge of you, or shut off the myriad of things that you make me feel.

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Of course I’m gonna think I’m right about it. To some degree, we’re all gonna be selfish about our needs, wants and opinions. I’m not so special as to deny that I am just like that. So maybe I’m refusing to see what you do, being absolutely stubborn that I am right; but so are you. A middle person would stand there and judge as he or she sees fit, and what justification is there to make out that they’d be right too? Not everything’s a court case, open and shut, black and white. Sometimes, there are seas of grey to thread through and it’s important to realise that it always looks different from where you stand. Maybe walking a mile does not suffice, because it still isn’t the entire journey.

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In the moment, when everything seems to have reached new heights with no boundaries within sight, and nothing seems to make more sense than what we can see and feel as feelings wash over to make its own mark that draws itself all over our bodies, it’s so easy to say ‘yes’. But I cannot brush off the morning after as insignificant, or the days that continue to find their way into the calendar with their agendas that I cannot prepare myself for. I refuse things on the basis that they have the potential to turn my idea of how my life should be upside-down and shatter it mercilessly; why’s that right and wrong all at the same time, dammit?

The lighter side of things

This is weird but I think I’ve finally been able to pinpoint why I find it weird when she laughs…
She always sounds like she’s about to snort. =.=

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I don’t know why I find it amusing that there’s a French word for buffoon and it’s ‘bouffon’! It tickled me so much I even sent an sms to Trinity about it, lol! I mean, the English version has always been amusing to me just because it SOUNDS funny (as befitting of its meaning), but to know that the French have their own version is so cute!

(Note to self: Try to stop sounding blonde)

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“Yeah, so I asked him ‘what about your girlfriend?’ and he just goes ‘meh’.”
- Overheard in uni

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Yesterday, I wanted to get to the shopping mall in time to buy a new pair of earphones, but I was too late since shops here close at 5 pm or so on most days. I told DB about it and he replied that he had a spare and he’d pass it to me today. This afternoon, he told me he had managed to find them and would bring it to uni. We met up after his class, and he passed it to me. Then he said, “I had to check and it said that it was iPod and iPhone compatible so you can use it.” At first, I didn’t suspect a thing and replied, “All earphones can be used with iPods.” He shrugged.

Then it hit me.

“You bought this. You lied to me! YOU TOLD ME THIS WAS AN OLD PAIR!”

“Er… I couldn’t find them.”

“You lied to meeeeeeee! You told me before when we were on the phone that you found them!”

He replied with something that made me feel silly, like ‘I didn’t say where!’. Boyfriends.

The last time I whined about him buying me things to my friends, they rolled their eyes and all replied with a sarcastic “OMG dump him because he won’t stop buying you stuff!” or “boyfriend give you stuff, you shut up, take it, and say thank you”. If I even mention this, they’ll probably proceed to tell me to go shoot myself. Or ask me again if they can borrow him.

Again, the answer is a big fat NO. Don’t even think about it. =P

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Grandma: When are you coming home?
Me: In December, after my graduation. *crosses fingers*
Grandma: Is your boyfriend coming along?
Me: *giggle* Noooooo, plus it’d be weird since dad and mom are coming back too.
Grandma: What’s so weird about that? He could come for a holiday.
Me: But where would he stay?
Grandma: Aish, in your brother’s room.
Me: Then where would my brother sleep?! He’s coming back too.
Grandma: It’s not as if he can sleep on that entire big bed by himself!
Me: Hahahahahaha!

I miss her. =)

I won’t lie to you, or myself.

If it was anyone else, it’d be so clear-cut.

I won’t pretend that this disbelief feels like my world stops and throws me off its surface, where my lungs struggle for breath and it might take all of five seconds that drags its feet for the longest time to find my way back again. Then I understand; it painfully sinks its torrid nails into my skin, and when I recognise the taste of oxygen again, my first impulse is to cry.

Because it’s you.

You know how you’d never say certain things to certain people because all you are doing is being weak to a passing moment that is purely an impulse to be shockingly cold? Do you in that short few seconds just forget that you love them, even in the slightest measure?

I cannot have you tell me that your love for me is hot, or cold, or completely non-existent dependent on when I ask, even if it lasts for that duration of nanoseconds. It’s not a matter of being unconditional; it’s that impression of a sporadic love that suits itself. Sure, your love is yours to give; but I am its recipient, just the way I’m on the receiving end when you turn to me in the heated moment, and the words you leave me with make me feel less than anything.

The hurt can only be excused with a lack of malicious intent so many times. Then it’ll be so chilly that the cold will become something no one can ignore. Hand in hand with my love is this potential to hurt me, and for awhile, I feared this little package of two. But I entrusted you not to when I said those words to you on that chilly night. So it’s not a facade that I ask you to stage, and it’s not a request for you to be someone you’re not. What I ask for is this awareness at your fingertips that you hold this influence, this crazy power over me, that I will hurt at your will.

Maybe I am sensitive. But I won’t see that as my weakness. And I cannot take your words the same way I would if someone who doesn’t mean a thing to me utters the very same words. That very idea right now stands as ridiculous, at best.

You’re special… just like everyone else!

I almost signed into my uni network with my wordpress account username. I rolled my eyes when I realised my mistake but it occurred to me that it’s an effort of standardisation, that everyone is assigned a username and isn’t allowed to change it, unless they progress further up the ladder by becoming a tutor, etc. So we all get z38402583@(insertunihere).edu.whatever. Yes, I assume we undergraduates are at the lowest level possible. It’s ok for me, since under undergraduates, we still have freshman noobs who seem to look younger and younger everytime (argh, I’m getting old).

But I just thought cheekily, wouldn’t it be fun to change our uni/work email addresses to something completely juvenile/stupid/hilarious? So high school! Or if you’re like me, primary school, when I’d change nicknames every second week. It’d be funnier if we went to some uppity conservative uni *cough* Cambridge *cough*. zergrocksyourboat@cambridge.edu Hehehe, just thinking about it makes me wish that existed.

BTW, that description of Cambridge came up during dinner, and… it did not come from me.

I hate decisions.

I have a problem.

Okay, actually, I have heaps but I’m focussing on one specific one, now that I am finally facing up to the fact that I might actually be graduating at the end of this year.

Should I start working or keep studying next year?

I’m not exactly sure what exact branch I want to dip my feet into, much less submerge myself fully in. I don’t think I’ll make the cut with the rest of the SMARTies into 4th year study (not being pessimistic but realistic so shut up; don’t even try to feed me comforting stuff that are really gonna prove to be useless). I might have an interest in one of the programs that just may accept me, but I don’t want to go in half-heartedly, especially with postgraduate courses costing 3 times more per semester (shoot me now), and knowing that I will potentially drop everything. I may turn lazy, not wanting to go back to hitting the books after joining the workforce, though I think that if I cannot be motivated, then I never had that interest or drive to start with.

This is a weird problems to have cause I never thought that I’d be able to work right after completing my bachelors. Now that it’s come into the picture, it’s almost as though I have a new light guiding me, but… it’s a tricky one. And if it abandons me halfway, I think I am almost guaranteed to be stuck in the middle of nowhere.

I cannot make this in haste, out of obligation, blindedly.

I think I will panic… soon enough.

Goodnight all over again.

I know this is the second time I’m saying goodnight but what the hell. I think I just miss lying with you, the feel of your hand on my tummy. And then I move so my hand is on your chest while I lie on your arm, one leg crossed over yours. It’s quite like an embrace while lying down, no? Time suddenly decides to race past whenever I find myself with you, and then I’m back on the bus. Alone again. Rinse and repeat. Cue phone call that lasts longer than it should, and I’m reluctant to fall asleep. Come the weekend, it’s all quiet because I tip-toe around your schedule and I wake up an hour after you decide to turn in.

I never got to have rum and raisin ice-cream while watching a movie with you. Sigh. That’s time and its disappearing act again. Can we do it soon, lovely?

I miss you (too).

Copy and paste and credits.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                    i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

by e. e. cummings

Source

I get lost in this world.

I can’t get over this vid! I played it over and over while I was in uni (I. love. wifi!). The song (Anouk’s Lost). The moves. She’s gorgeous. And so’s he. Her bare feet. The colours of her dress. His singlet. Their synchrony. Stop me.

But wait, the golden bit: when she smiles and closes her eyes; oh God, something in me just stops. I can’t describe it. It’s just crazily beautiful. *sigh* I’m not a contemporary dance expert, and what I intepret this little fairy tale to be might be completely different from what Mandy had in mind. But that’s the beauty of it, I reckon. It’s individual. And I want someone to lift me up like he does and carry me away to some faraway land in the middle of nowhere.

Emotional feedback

Heartache is when your best friend who has always been the happy-go-lucky one amongst the crew looks like she has lost so much weight with the recent seemingly never-ending emotional hailstorms. Life’s not fair, but this is ridiculous.

Jealousy is when you wanna snap at her when she reaches across the bar to place an order and touches your boyfriend in the arm. What are you touching him for, lady?

Pride is when your friend shares her work with the world and you know that she’s not done; there’s so much more coming.

Joy is eating food that doesn’t brag about being authentic; it just proves itself to be.

Amusement is when a stranger addresses you with ‘greetings milady’ on Facebook.

Awe is when the same stranger also uses the world ‘elucidate’ in the same message.

Disbelief is when you spot people trying (and failing awfully) to dance to hip-hop, a very big coin slot (aka butt crack) that should be hidden from the world, and two people practically trying to have sex with clothes on next to a pool table.

Imparting words of wisdom that do not belong to me.

I’ve finally finished it, and it has been a killer of a book. This book manages to insert a sense of hope, courage and faith, beyond the dark horizon that it helps to paint. Christianity was weaved throughout the book from the middle onwards and although I’m not Christian, this part in particular caught my attention, my mind, everything that reminds me that I am only human.

Excerpt from ‘Road to Paradise’ by Paullina Simons

‘And by the way,” said Candy, “just so we’re clear, I am the first of all sinners. I tell you this like I’m in the confessional. I am less perfect than you can ever imagine. You are an angel of the Lord compared with me.”

Gina scoffed. “No kidding.”

“But I don’t pretend I’m doing anything else but wrong, and then spend my time justifying it. I don’t go around saying there is no wrong, and all the things I do are right. Just the opposite. I judge myself harshly, and give everyone else a break.” Candy smiled. “Let them work out their own salvation.”

“The only thing I agree with,” said Gina, “in your whole mess of nonsense is that you’re right – everybody does defend their own sin.” She tried very hard not to look at me, and I tried very hard not to look at her.

I wondered, if I had to pick between Candy, Gina or Shelby (the protagonist), who would I be? And the question flittered across my mind, whom do I come across as?

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She said “I hope you’re happy.”

It’s so easy to lose track of happiness as we search for everything that we perceive will bring this evasive treasure to us, that I think we wouldn’t recognise an opportunity for laughter even when everyone else is doubled over with tears in their eyes, positively begging for the rest to stop the laughing because it hurts (but of course, in a good way). We no longer find joy in the simplest of things that don’t require any form of currency or barter, simply because we are in the midst of ’something big that you don’t or wouldn’t understand’.

But the truth is, who is really the one who has lost her sense of comprehension?

As I read it, what sung to me was its sincerity. She accompanied it with her joke beforehand, but this one part with its simple words that sparked off so many reflective thoughts in my head was enough to make me stop and appreciate that someone honestly wished that I had happiness in my life, to hold my hand and warm my heart. Oh, is happiness a life devoid of envy, materialistic fanfare, and this notion of chasing dream after dream that prove to be insignificant later when we really consider what has mattered most? I know it’s one that I only daydream of being able to live but have yet to find in myself to pursue.

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I shared these words with someone today but I believe that they are too beautiful not to pass onto more.

‘You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.’

by Eleanor Roosevelt